who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Shoo shoo! 😂
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
😂😂😂
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: