Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You Might Also Like
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
worst…sale…ever
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
your honor my client chooses dare
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
And now we wait
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.