You Might Also Like
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.