my favorite genre of twitter
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a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Potatoes were such a good idea
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*mops up wine with cat*
dads on road-trips be like
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
yeet
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me