[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
You Might Also Like
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
*gets down on one knee*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl