My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
oppen heimer style lol
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.