To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
peak technology
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases