I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
don’t be scared
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.