Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
kitchen magnet
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.