The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Sponch
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Happy thanksgiving
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license