So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.