me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
You Might Also Like
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
the clam before the storm
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
i’m still crying at this
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.