The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.