Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
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her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die