Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.