I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
live long and prosper!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”