My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
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Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]