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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.