I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
You Might Also Like
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*