“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
That took me a moment.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.