i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
This kid is going places
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long