“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*