Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.