So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Is this you?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re