“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
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My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.