I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok