can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Every damn time
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*