I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that