{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.