Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?