Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
You Might Also Like
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”