Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
$4 #usedbooks