[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.