People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.