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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons