Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.