Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
plums roundup
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.