Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand