If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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Me: Same
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened