Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
You Might Also Like
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …