Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
You Might Also Like
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
my dog when i have a friend over