911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
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[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…