I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real