Best seat on the street 😍
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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?