By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
You Might Also Like
who did the taste test?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.