ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
You Might Also Like
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
did it work
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.