I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: