waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
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Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.