Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
*checks Timeline*…
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”