*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
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i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER